Monday, January 02, 2006

Worst Christmas Show Ever Part 3.

Since it has been some time since I updated this Blog, if you need a reminder of what has come before please check out part 1 at, then part 2

So here I was, in a "Cafetorium" preparing to do my Christmas Magic Show. So far the person in charge “Gail” had taken everything she agreed to and either ignored it or turned it into a very bad situation for me, but what could I do? Yes, I could just up and leave, but I would never do that. Just because I was in a bad situation doesn’t mean the kids should go without their magic show.
I was ready, and Santa was still calling out names and handing out presents. Again, what could I do? I had to work around it.
I couldn’t find Gail so I openly and loudly announced that the magic show was about to begin. My voice travelled about a foot. Auditoriums are not made for theatre; they are made for dodge ball, so sound does not carry very well. So I went around to the various spots where the children were and again announced the magic show would begin in five minutes. The kids were thrilled (something I love) but the parents seemed ticked. All the grown ups looked at me like I was intruding on a conversation that would change the world, one man told me to shut up.
Oh yes, Santa. There was a small crowd of kids by Santa so I went up, waited until Santa was done with the child on his lap, politely said “excuse me Santa, but I just wanted all the kids to know the magic show was about to start.” Fortunately Santa was a nice guy (kinda) and said “Oooh, children, a magic show. Why don’t you go watch the show and Santa will call you when it’s time for your present.”
Like I said, kinda a nice guy. But he could have been worse I suppose.

So here I was, standing in front of jackets and shoes, starting my warm up bits of business. I used my loud voice because, again, acoustics but discovered a problem I never, ever encountered before, not even in auditoriums. My voice, even loud, carried a few feet in front of me, but not too the sides. So I was about a minute into my speal when a parent from my right went “We can’t hear you!”
I was shocked. I looked at the parent (I wasn’t angry by the way, after all how would I act in the same situation) and I repeated, “You can’t hear me?”
The parent nodded and I turned to my left. “Could you all hear me?” I asked to my left.
“No.” Some of the children replied.
“Oh great.” I thought (although I didn’t really think “great”, I swore in my head but this is a family blog.) I took a moment to try and figure out a solution, the first thing I did was try and get the audience to smush together a bit more, and I then moved my performing area back a bit. Ok, if I speak louder then more people can hear me at once, for the rest I’ll just have to repeat myself … a lot.
And don’t forget, every few minutes Santa would call out another name to get their present. How the hell his voice carried, I have no idea. I have been trained to make my voice heard by a deaf little old lady at the back of an auditorium and couldn’t be heard a foot to my left.
After I made it through my opening speech, with a little repeating myself, I went into my first trick. It was an apparatus heavy trick with music. I had purchased a small, black tape player with one speaker. It was small but it was loud, and of course it was not heard. I must have looked a sight, dancing around like that, but I did it and it got applause.
I fought the acoustics for a few more tricks, getting good response, when I saw him.
Across the room I saw Santa stand, chat with a couple of kids, and start to cross the room. He stood in the back of the crowd and patiently waited until I had finished a trick then said, “I’m sorry to disturb everyone, but I just wanted to let you all know I was leaving and I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And now, back to the magic show.”
Wasn’t that nice? Of course it didn’t happen. He wasn’t polite, he didn’t stand in the back, he actually walked around the crowd, stood next to me while I was in the MIDDLE of a trick, and proudly announced. “Hey Kids, I’m leaving and I just wanted to say Bye! Ho ho ho.”
And he kept “Ho ho ho” ing right out of the room, taking the attention of the children with him.
And me? I just stood there with a stupid grin on my face, holding onto my magic prop for dear life. My mind was blank, all I could think about was a jolly fat man in a red suit being run down by a Dodge Neon. The only words in my head were swear one’s.
But I had to say and do something to salvage the situation, so I said “Ahhhhhhh, well, bye Santa. Ha ha ha. So anyway, if you recall we were just about to …” and continued the routine, slowly getting some of their attention back.

Just for fun, after this trick, I had a quick check of my watch and noticed …

To be continued. (No, I mean it; I will finish this damn thing THIS week.)

Next Post: It’s March 12th and I forgot what I was writing about!


Blogger Billp said...

"Hey kids! Wanna see a magic trick? I'm gonna make my paycheck disappear!"

And then punch Santa in the mouth.


1:25 PM  

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